The Nexus of the Universe

A running half-diary of game two.

2007-10-04T18:01:00.000-07:00

Greetings and salutations everyone. We're here with a running diary for Game 2, but first, a quick recap of Game 1.

The Cubs lost 3-1.

Now that I've answered all the questions about that game, let's get started.

Tonight we've got Ted Lilly going for the Cubbies while the Diamondbacks are sending Doug Davis to the mound. Unfortunately, we're again stuck with TBS broadcasting games. I can't describe how bad the coverage has been compared to ESPN or to even FOX (I never thought I'd get to the point where I was giving credit to a network that has, against the better judgment of every baseball fan in the country, has continued to employ Tim McCarver. Though, to be fair, ESPN apparently believes Joe Morgan is a good announcer as well. Surely some player has retired in the past 20 years that could provide better analysis that those two. I don't wish death upon people, but if McCarver and Morgan were to develop some sort of freak vocal cord injury resulting in them not being able to speak again, it would surely strengthen my faith in a supreme being. As it is, I'm wondering what kind of God would force us to live in a world where those two are consistantly on television and paid to analyze games? I know we've all sinned, but are we that bad that our punishment is McCarver and Morgan. Were those two ever to be on television at the same time, the amount of suck that would be in that one broadcast booth would potentially rip a hole in the fabric of the time-space continuium and swallow the earth and everyone on it.

And the TBS broadcasts are worse that those guys.

Tonight we've got Dick Stockton and Ron Darling announcing. Hopefully they've learned to pronounce the names of the players. Last night they were talking about Cubs third base coach Mike Quade and mispronounced his name twice. (For the record, it's pronounced kwa-DAY, not Quaid or qwaid-EE) Also, Cub reliever Carlos Marmol (MAR-mol) was Carlos (mar-MOL) all night. Look, I know when you get guys who haven't covered the teams all year, they're going to speak in generalities and not be very insightful, especially if you've been following the team all season, but is it really too much to ask them to get the names right? It's like dating Brooke Burke all season long and when you get to the best part of the relationship, suddenly you've got Bea Arthur.

And while we're here waiting for the game to start, now seems like a good time to tell the following story. My boss at Georgia Southern is a huge White Sox fan from Chicago. If you don't know, you can't be both a White Sox and Cubs fan. You've got to pick sides in the same way you can't be both a Ginger and a Mary Anne fan. There can be only one. So anyway, being that yesterday was the first day of the playoffs and a little rainy, I wore my Cubs jacket and hat to work. I walked into his office to ask him a question and before I could say anything, he looked at me and said "if I had a pink piece of paper right now, I'd sign it and be done with you." So, of course, I wore the same jacket back to work today. (If I do get fired and lose my graduate assistantship, anyone out there want to take me in?)

10:05 - We're starting out on TNT since the Yankees/Indians game is going long. One minute into the broadcast and we're already mispronouncing Marmol's name again.

10:07 - Doug Davis has a career 75-75 record, leading Stockton to say "Davis has been basically a .500 pitcher all his career." That's the kind of insight you can only get from TBS. How the the world did they get a national baseball contract. Someone over there must have pictures of Bud Selig in a Minneapolis bathroom.

10:11 - Guess I should mention I'm wearing a Cubs jersey and hat tonight. Yes Dear thinks I look like an idiot, which is a step up from the neanderthal I usually get.

10:17 - Nothing doing for the Cubs in the first. Aramis Ramirez struck out. We've had our first "Frank TV" commercial of the game. We're going to get 30 of those tonight. I've only seen ads for the show for two days now and I will refuse to watch it. By the end of the month, they'll have found a way to cross-promote that show in the Chevy "This is our country" ads. No one wants to live in that world. If it comes to that, someone convince Bush to launch the nukes.

10:22 - American League fans laugh that the Cubs are counting on Ted Lilly. At this point, I'd count on Ted Koppel if I thought he gave us the best chance to win.

10:30 - Two on, one out for the Dbacks. Maybe we should have started Koppel.

10:31 - Derrek Lee drops a double-play relay throw. Hope that doesn't come back to haunt us.

10:35 - Lilly strikes out Conner Jackson to retire the side. And in an amazing turn of events, no FrankTV ad. This may be the first time in the entire postseason we had a break without one of those.

10:39 - Conner is one of those names that was popular in the late 90s. In another decade, frat boys all over the country will be trying to remember which Conner is which as they go out.

10:41 - Geovany Soto homers to put the Cubs up 2-0. I'm naming my son after him (only if Yes Dear shoots down Carlos Aramis Martin.) I don't want him competing with Conner's when he's job hunting, and he'll certainly stand out.

10:51 - Two breaks in a row with no FrankTV ads. You'd think they'd advertise more now since it's a late night show, but apparently they're after the elusive mid-afternoon, home-on-their-mom's-couch demographic with all that disposable income they have.

10:58 - It's not even 11 and I'm fading. My test earlier today took a lot out of me. Stupid education. Meanwhile, Lilly's laboring here in the second. Runners at second and third with two outs. Of course, it might help if we could play more than two innings in an hour.

11:03 - Well, I'm awake now as Chris Young (the black outfielder, not the white pitcher) hit a 3-run homer. Damnit! On the replay, Lilly is shown throwing his glove in disgust. If only he'd thrown the pitch that hard.

11:07 - Eric Byrnes hits a triple to score another run, making it 4-2. It's still early, but it might be time to get Lilly out of there.

11:10 - I don't know who the ad wizards are at Geico, but they deserve a raise. They never fail to deliver.

11:16 - It's not enough that FrankTV has commercials, but now we're getting promos in the game. We've clearly offended the God. Making things worse, the commercials aren't even funny.

11:24 - Cubs turn a pretty double play. And right after that, our dog, Wrigley, starts sneezing, that can't be a good sign. And now a nice catch by Soto, maybe things are turning around.

11:25 - Make it stop, make it stop. Get Frank off my TV. I hate you TBS. And two minutes later, there's another one. Someone go offer a sacrifice to the God. Burn a Yankees' jersey, perhaps that will appease him.

11:37 - Still nothing doing for the Cubs on offense. Official Brother called, telling me the Cubs suck. It's the support from family that will get me through this.

11:46 - Stephen Drew triples in two runs, not five seconds after the announcers just got done saying Lilly is 9-1 after a Cubs loss. Baring a comeback, he'll be 9-2.

11:50 - Kevin Hart pitching for the Cubs now. I know that means nothing to you. I'm just typing to keep myself from throwing things and scaring our dog. The good news is Lilly only threw 71 pitches, so he should be good to go in Game Five. The bad news is Lilly would be pitching Game Five.

11:53 - By the way, we're only in the fourth inning. At this pace, I'll get to bed around the time the next game starts tomorrow night. Seriously, I'm going to be worthless tomorrow when it comes to doing anything.

11:55 - We're due for another FrankTV ad, which means I'm due to test my patience in not throwing something at my television.

11:57 - Someone, somewhere must have burned a Yankees jersey as we avoided Frank. And while we're talking about pointless stuff, I've changed hats in the hopes it changes the Cubs fortune. I had been wearing the Blue hat with the red bill, but changed to the 1914 hat with the little Cubby bear holding a bat. Maybe Lilly's struggles are my fault.

11:58 - Soriano doubles to lead off the inning. I'm not saying it's due to the hat, but I'm not discounting it either. Afterall, this is a team that has been cursed for nearly a century. I'm not about to say me changing hats isn't the reason for their good fortune.

12:02 - Theriot flies out to deep left. Maybe my hat isn't warmed up yet. Lee pops out and Ramirez strikes out. Still, I believe in the hat.

12:10 - Ok, any time now Cubs, we could start the come back. It wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit.

12:17 - Two on, one out for the Dbacks. Pitching change, commercial time. (no Frank, no Frank, no Frank. YES!)

12:23 - I'm still watching, but until something important happens, I'm done with the diary, it's late. As I type this, Arizona scored again. 7-2. Making things worse, pitcher Scott Eyre tried to barehand the linedrive back up the middle, having it glance off his fingers. Luke's Free Career Advice: If you use your hand and arm to make a living, don't do something stupid like trying to catch a line drive off the bat of a major league player with that hand.

12:44 - I give up on the diary as I'm falling asleep. Who schedules a midterm the week the baseball playoffs start. Me and Caffine are going to get really well aquainted tomorrow.

Let's see what happens Saturday night. I still believe!

Ok, so I'm a liar

2007-10-03T06:51:00.000-07:00

George, with Elaine in Jerry's apartment: "So, I ran into the Rosses again."

Elaine: "Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you
have a place in the Hamptons?"
George: "From me."
Elaine: "What did you say?"
George: "I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did you say?"
Elaine: "I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed."
George: "So, they knew? Those liars!"
Elaine: "But you lied first."
George: "Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons, they
never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when they know you're lying.
You call them a liar!"
Elaine: "Like you're a liar!"
George: "Yes. Thank you! Is that so hard?"

Ok, so I said there was a Cubs party at my house for every playoff game. Well, that was before I knew the games were starting at 10 p.m. Still, most days this won't be a problem. But I've got a huge, giant, enormous, ginormous test on Thursday and there's a good chance I'll actually be going to bed before the game ends (seriously, this test is freaking me out. It's freaking me WAY out.)

So I'm calling me a liar.

But Thursday night, come on over and we'll cheer the Cubs on to victory.

Also, after this test, get ready for massive blogging about the playoffs. My thoughts on Bartman, what my world would be like if the Cubs win, how I'll annoy my boss from now until the end of the playoffs. A breakdown of the teams (granted, it'll be one game into the series) and more.

(And if things come up where I can't do this, just remember, I'm a liar.)

Your 2007 National League Central Champs!!

2007-09-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

Cubs Playoff parties at el Casa de Martin for each Cubs playoff game.

It's Gonna Happen!

2007-09-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to start. There's only one week left in the season and the Cubs are up 3.5 games over the Milwaukee Brewers after today's action.

I'm stoked. Look, I know if the Cubs were in any other division in baseball they'd be in third place at best. But let's not get bogged down in details here. The fact of the matter is the Cubs are any combination of four wins or four Brewer losses from being in the playoffs for the first time since 2003.

I'm already expecting to miss quite a bit of sleep during the month of October. Sure, my grades will probably suffer, my work won't be very good, I'll be miserable to be around and on edge all the time, I'll develop an unhealthy dependency on caffine and be insufferable, but that's a small price to pay to stay up late watching the team I've followed for 20 years have a chance to do something they haven't done in almost 100 years.

I haven't written a lot about the team this year for fear that I might jinx the good thing that was happening. (And at this point, I do believe in curses, fate and all that crap. I'm going all Earl Hickey and trying to collect as much good karma as possible. I'm letting people out in traffic, holding open doors for people 20 to 25 feet from even getting there. Waitresses that normally wouldn't get a decent tip are getting 25 percent and I'm apologizing for things I know aren't my fault to just to try to keep karma on my side. (After a century without a title, I'd confess to the Abe Lincoln shooting if I thought it would help. Note to any federal agents: I wasn't born when Lincoln was killed, no need to investigate me.)

The problem with living in South Georgia is that I'm surrounded by Braves fans, so there's no one here to share my joy and passion. There's a guy in my class who's a Phillies fan and a guy at work who is a Mets fan. My boss is a White Sox fan, so he'd rather the world end than have the Cubs win. So I'm forced to share my joy with you, whoever happens to stop by here.

More to come as the Cubs get closer to the playoffs.

A little help from my friends

2007-09-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

Hello again everyone.

I come to you needing help. At work, we're having our own little "World Series of Pop Culture" and half the fun of the tournament will be coming up with a team name. My teammates and I haven't been able to come up with anything yet, though I'm disappointed they rejected my suggestion of "Ferris and Sloane's Illegitimate Love Children."

So now I'm turning to you for suggestions. I can't promise any of will be selected, but I'd love to see what ideas you come up with.

For those of you scoring at home, or even if you're by yourself

2007-09-08T11:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you see something and you know you just have to have it. For me, it was the shirt to the right.

As a baseball fan, I care about second base. As a male, I definitely care about second base. So when I saw a story about this shirt (and organization) in Newsweek, I thought it was both a great cause and a really clever slogan.

So now Yes Dear has the shirt, and I can feel good that I've done my part to help fight breast cancer, or as I'll refer to it from now on, saving second base.

I also enjoyed the thank you card accompanying the shirt that had a picture of pink bra and the words "thank you for your support."

Should I be concerned?

2007-09-06T20:18:00.001-07:00

So school is in full swing, keeping me busy, but it's a good busy. I'd forgotten just how much fun it is to go to class and learn something new or have things you kind of knew put in their proper terms. While working at a newspaper wasn't exactly mindless work, there was a lot of less-than-exciting work that eventually became so routine that I got bored with it.

There's only so many ways you can write a story and after almost five years, I'd pretty much reached my limit of ways to tell the same story, so it was good for me to get away and back into an academic setting, which I find I really enjoy.

But with school and two part-time jobs (school's much harder when you have a mortgage to worry about) comes a lot of time apart from Yes Dear. Even though she works at the RAC (the rec. center on campus where I'm doing my graduate assistantship), we don't see each other much.

I wasn't too concerned about that to begin with. After all, when she went back to get her Master's Degree, I pretty much went an entire semester only seeing her walk home from class and go to the computer room to work on her thesis.

But shortly after school started, I noticed something different with Yes Dear. She'd leave for about an hour and then, when she came home, she'd be all hot and sweaty. No real cause for concern, after all, she did work at a gym. But soon I learned some disturbing news.

She'd been going to meet a college guy. It started out just once a week, but now it's up to twice a week. She always puts on special clothes and goes to meet him. When she comes home, she's always hot and sweaty and telling me how hard things were.

Making matters worse, she was paying this gentleman cold, hard, cash to go see him. He, too, worked at the RAC and had the audacity to say hello to me and even act like my friend.

Could it be? Could my wife be cheating on me right under my nose?

Well, no, she just hired a personal trainer to keep her motivated and accountable to someone to work out. But that's a boring blog post, so I went for the cheap, tawdry story-telling approach in the hopes you would keep reading.

By the way, in case your curious, she's doing well with her trainer and enjoying it (after the fact, she's not really thrilled during the actual training.)

I'm not quite dead

2007-08-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

So for the past several months, a product called "vitamin water" has been advertising extensively on the channels I watch. (Apparently I need to also buy new vehicles and eat steaks and use A1 steak sauce, but that's a different topic for a different day.)

Vitamin Water, as best as I can tell, is just another in a line of sports drinks like Gatorade, Powerade, and the long-since forgotten 10K.

Having never tried the product, I'm really not in any position to discuss the merits of the beverage, but there are a couple things about Vitamin Water that bother me, if for no other reason than I think their marketing team is being lazy.

Let's start with the name. Vitamin Water. Really, is that the best we could come up with? As the old Saturday Night Live sketch used to say, "who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?" Vitamin Water is one step above "Healthy Drink" in terms of naming a product. You've got to sell the sizzle, baby, not the steak. Vitamin Water doesn't pop. It doesn't grab my attention. It sounds like something my grandmother should be drinking to offset the onset of aging. But apparently it's being marketed to people like me.

And how is it being marketed? With perhaps the worst slogan ever for a product in the history of mankind? The slogan, for those who haven't seen the product advertised, is "Try it."

That's right, just "Try it." Not "Try it, you'll be amazed" or "Try it at your own peril," you know, something that might give it an edge. Nope, they went with "Try it." Again, I ask, who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?

If you're going to go with "Try it," why even bother trying at all? Why not go with "Vitamin Water: Ehh, why not?" But I guess the ad wizards had to make some sort of effort to earn their paycheck.

School Update: So far, so good. I'm getting used to getting up at 7 a.m. every morning for one of my jobs, but other than that, things are well. I like my classes, like my classmates, and best of all, I get to use Yes Dear's faculty parking pass to drive to class. The two graduate assistants at the RAC who also ride with me to class also enjoy that perk.

Intramural Update: Playing with a team comprised of Yes Dear's student employees, we went 3-1 in the dodgeball season. Playoffs start Sunday night, and we'll see what happens. I know this much, my arm hurts.

Well that was fast

2007-08-11T07:12:00.001-07:00

So Friday was my last day of employment at the Statesboro Herald.

I gave my boss a little more than two weeks notice of my intent to leave, wanting to be fair to him and to the other reporter (yes, that's singular) to give them time to try to line up my replacement. I told my editor on a Wednesday I was leaving. By Friday, he'd offered the job to someone else and by the next Tuesday, he'd accepted.

Now my ego isn't so big that I thought I was irreplaceable. But two days to find someone who could do my job? My boss said it was more of a matter of finding someone quickly and that's why they hired someone so quickly. I'll believe, however, that it just meant I could be replaced at a moment's notice.

They're singing Go Cubs, Go.

2007-08-02T19:39:00.000-07:00

Baseball season's underway
Well you better get ready for a brand new day.
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

They're singing ...
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go

Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go

Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

They got the power, they got the speed
To be the best in the National League
Well this is the year and Cubs are real
So come on down to Wrigley Field

They're singing ...
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go

Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

- Lyrics by Steve Goodman

Here it is, August 2 and the Cubs, yes the Chicago Cubs, are in first place in the National League Central. The same team that hasn't been to the playoffs since 2003, the World Series since 1945 and they haven't won a title in nearly a century, but as we're entering the dog days of August, my beloved Cubbies are in first place. Granted, it's only by percentage points over the pesky Milwaukee Brewers, but I'll take it.

As you would expect, I'm giddy with excitement. Sure there's still two months of baseball left to be played and if history is any indication, the Cubs should blow it and wind up watching the postseason from their couches, but as Charles Schwab likes to say, past performance is no gauaruntee of future return.

In year's past, I'd be a nervous wreck right now worrying about the Cubs. But over the past year or so, I've realized that all that worrying really didn't do me any good. Instead of analyzing every little thing about the team, I'm taking a different approach this year. I'm riding the wave of emotion. It's a lot simpler than agonizing over the team's lack of on base percentage or their starting pitching after their top two starters. The formula is simple: Cubs win and I'm happy. Cubs lose and I'm unhappy.

Screw all the statistical analysis (which is odd of me to say considering the vast majority of my reading material over the past few years is about that stuff.) It's fascinating from an intellectual level and, ideally, should help me with my fantasy team, but it takes away some of the joy of just watching a game. After all, the game is supposed to be fun, and what's more fun than an emotional roller coaster ride with your favorite team. Sure, there's bound to be some lows, but those will make the highs seem that much more magical.

A few weeks ago, a fan brought a sign to a Cubs game that simply read "It's Gonna Happen." While the cynics and naysayers may say "it" is a collapse, I'm on board with those who believe "it" is a World Series trip.

Hop on board, it's going to be a great ride for the next two months.

Ch ch ch ch changes

2007-07-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

The following is a transcript of the press conference in the Sports Cave at the Statesboro Herald.

Luke: Thank you all for coming today. Over the past few weeks, I've hinted at a big announcement that will change the way you look at the universe. Before I make the announcement, I'd like to dispel a few rumors that have surfaced.

First of all, there is no truth to the rumor that my wife is pregnant. That would imply that we've slept together and just to be safe, we've decided to wait 10 years after marriage before having sex. We think that will make Jesus happy.

Secondly, there's been speculation that I've been traded to the Augusta Chronicle for a copy editor and an ad designer to be named later. While it's true Herald Editor Jim Healy has looked to improve the squad by trading away some of his more talented employees in a two-for-one deal, but since I'm not one of those talented people, I wasn't traded.

Finally, even though no one has mentioned this, I want to say that Catherine Zeta-Jones and I are NOT having an affair. My hope is some kind (or careless) writer will edit that to say that I am sleeping with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Even though it's not true, I'd love to see it in print.

Now that we've cleared those matters up, I'd like to tell you the news you've all come here today for. After my announcement, I'll gladly take a few questions.

After nearly five years sitting in the same desk and covering the same beat for the Statesboro Herald, I've decided to resign and return to Georgia Southern as a graduate student. I'll be studying Recreation Administration, though I'll be taking several classes in Public Administration as well. Hopefully one day, I'll be in a position to actually have people under me. And if you're waiting for me to say "and by 'people' I mean Catherine Zeta-Jones," well you know me too well.

Having said that, I'll gladly open the floor to questions.

Keith Olbermann: Luke, Keith Olbermann with MSNBC, since you're not working at the Herald, what will you be doing?

Luke: Great question Keith. I've secured a graduate assistantship at the Recreation Activity Center in the marketing department. Also, I'll be working part time as the volunteer coordinator for the local battered women's shelter. And yes, my wife works at the RAC, but I've been assured I won't have to see her often. I'm not sure either of us could take working with each other on an extended basis. Also, if you hear of a faculty member sleeping with a grad assistant, it's ok, we're married.

Bill O'Reilly: Luke, do you have a loofah?

Luke: Security, I told you, don't let that man in the building. Bill, get out of here.

Tom Verducci: Luke, Tom Verducci with Sports Illustrated. What led to this decision?

Luke: Well, Tom, as you know, I was an intramural legend during my undergraduate time at Georgia Southern. We would have won state if they'd put me in the game. So the chance to resume my intramural career was obviously a big factor. But there were others. Over the past few months, I've found myself having to work more nights and every other weekend. That isn't a lifestyle I want, especially for the salary being paid here. I'm not making the big bucks like you at Sports Illustrated (laughter from the crowd.)

Chad Bishop: Luke, Chad Bishop, I sit across from you. Who's going to do layout on Friday nights during football season?

Luke: Frankly, Chad, I don't give a damn. It's not going to be me, that's all I know. I'm living Scott Garner's dream of quitting just before football season.

Larry King: Let's take a call. Gavin in Montana, hello.

Luke: Uh, thanks for coming Larry. You may want to think about hanging it up, and I don't mean the phone.

Regis Philbin: Is this your final answer?

Luke: Regis, you haven't been on that show in years. But no, it's not. I'll take a few more questions.

Oprah: Luke, what will you miss most about working at the Herald?

Luke: There's a lot I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss the fact that I'm a minor psuedocelebrity. I'll miss the fact that all the "important" people in Bulloch County would return my phone calls. But mostly, I'll miss the people. I'll miss covering events like the Ducks for Diabetes fundraiser or the latest initiative by the local Red Cross. Believe it or not, I'll even miss covering the city council meetings. I've missed no more than eight in the last five years, so I won't know what to do when there's a meeting and I'm not there.

Ok, we've got time for one more. Yes, you, in the back.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I left a key to my hotel room for you at the front desk, can you meet me there in 15 minutes?

Luke: That's all we have time for today everyone. I've gotta go.

Casey was at the bat, but who was on deck?

2007-07-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big reader. Unlike other friends of mine who devour books left and right, I'm not one of those people. I didn't read The Da Vinci Code until almost a year after everyone was talking about it. I still haven't read any of the Harry Potter books (though that is something I'd like to eventually do.)

Making matters worse for me is when I do read a book, it's not typically anything any of my friends are reading. Probably the only book in the last two years I've read that anyone I know might have read is Bill Simmons' "Now I Can Die in Peace," a collection of columns he wrote about the highs (the 2004 World Series) and lows (the 2003 American League Championship Series in which they lost to the Yankess in Game Seven thanks to a home run by Aaron F&#ing Boone) of being a Boston Red Sox fan. (Longtime fans may remember that I got my copy of the book autographed.) And even at that, there's maybe one or two people who I know who might have read that.

As I've said before, for some reason magazines don't really count when people ask what you've read recently. This despite the fact that Tom Verducci is a brilliant storyteller. Verducci is a baseball writer for Sports Illustrated and has reached the "is he in here" status for me. That is, when a new issue of SI arrives, the first thing I do is look to see if there are any pictures of Maria Sharapova in a bikini and then look to see if Verducci has written anything.

His piece several years ago about spending a few days as one of the "players" with the Toronto Blue Jays is still some of the best writing I've ever read, present company excluded, of course. Even when he's a little off his game, as he was, I thought, when he chronicled his experience working as a major league umpire in a spring training game earlier this year, he still is brilliant. (For those wondering, he's got an article in this week's issue about Hank Aaron that makes me hang my head in shame for calling myself a writer.)

Even now, the book I'm currently reading, "The Last Nine Innings" is a look at the scientific and statistical revolution that began in baseball in the mid-1980s and has revolutionized the way people look at the game.

And that brings me to my point. Over the past two years, I've been reading (or, in some cases, rereading) books devoted to the game of baseball. From Michael Lewis' "Moneyball" (a book used in some business classes in colleges across the country) to Buzz Bissinger's "Three Nights in August" (Bissinger, by the way, also wrote "Friday Night Lights," the book that the movie and subsequent television show is based on) to Buster Olney's "Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty."

While I'm by no means a genius (as evidenced by the fact I had to look up how to spell that word), I'm fairly intelligent. I graduated with honors from both high school and college. I've scored well on standardized tests, and frankly, I do decent at Jeopardy when I watch. So what compels me to spend an inordinate amount of free time to a game that boils down to a guy hitting a ball with a stick and then running in a square?

For years, I was embarrassed to admit that I REALLY enjoyed the game of baseball. That kind of devotion to a sport is something for awkward teenage boys who needed something to channel all their energy into since they're no good with the ladies. Grown men don't spend their time analyzing statistics to get an advantage for their fantasy team (which, for those interested, is not going well this year) or participate in online chats on ESPN.com about the game.

But now I'm 28-years old. I haven't outgrown this phase. It is what it is. I'm a baseball fan in a land obsessed with football. I'm the Monkeys' fan in the Beatles' era, the 98 Degrees fan in the Backstreet Boys era. What's more, I don't care anymore. Sure it's unlikely that I'll find someone who wants to discuss if Mike Matheny is a catching genius (I didn't have to look it up that time) as a chapter 3-3 of "Baseball Between the Numbers: Why Everything You Know about the Game is Wrong" discusses.

Sure, I'll never be able to talk about the latest bestselling novel at a cocktail party, but will those people at the party know why bunting a runner from first to second actually reduces the odds of your team scoring in that inning? Actually, I hope those people do, because then we could ditch the party and go find a game on.

I'd write more, but Baseball Tonight is coming on ESPN soon.

(On an unrelated note, look for the "big" announcement on Thursday. In fact, I've already written the post, but I'm waiting for a few more things to be done before I post it.)

Willy Wonka and the suprise announcement

2007-07-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, I've been hinting at a big announcement that will shake the way you look at the world. Why have I been doing this? Is it because I really didn't have anything else to write about and wanted to keep blogging? Yes. Is it because I enjoy creating suspense (or at least pseudo-suspense) among the few readers I have? Yes. Am I enjoying my Donald Rumsfeldesque tactic of answering my own questions? Not really. Will I continue to do it? Yes, for one more question. How do they cram all that graham? I'm not sure, but ask the owl who knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop, he seemed like a wise owl and could probably tell you.

But this week, like little Charlie when he found the golden ticket for the tour of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, one of you will unexpectedly find out what the big news is. You won't be expecting it, but you'll be going through the course of your day and, like spice to an Emeril Lagasse dish, BAM, there it is, the big news.

So stay tuned, you never know what might happen this week.

Getting Closer

2007-07-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

The big announcement you all haven't been clamouring for is coming soon.

It's going to be bigger than Beckham coming to America.

It's going to be bigger than Bob Barker leaving the Price is Right.

It's going to be bigger than the Cubs winning the World Series this year (yes, you heard it hear first.)

Maybe one day I'll learn to undersell and overdeliver, but I'm not there yet.

Stay tuned for the big news.

And you thought you had a crappy day

2007-07-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

I may have saved a life that day? What did you do to help out your fellow man?

I think I'd rather die.

I'm so proud to live in this town.

It's coming

2007-07-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

What's coming?

An announcement so huge it'll change the way you look at the world. It's bigger than Joey Chestnut defeating Kobyashi in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest.

It's bigger than the Spice Girls reuniting for a world tour.

It'll be bigger than, well, something really big.

Stay tuned for details.

Why does David's Bridal hate marriages?

2007-07-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

Note: This column was in the Statesboro Herald last month some time. I'm to lazy to find out the exact date.

This August will mark the end of the fourth year Yes Dear and I have been married, shocking all the bettors in Vegas who put the over/under on our relationship at 30 months. I hope you all took the over and collected big winnings, though to be honest, I'm not sure which side my father-in-law placed his bets on.

I bring this up for a couple of reasons. First of all, Yes Dear likes it when I acknowledge stuff like anniversaries, and she's even more proud of the fact I don't have to ask when our anniversary is.

Secondly, a few days ago I went out to get the mail and saw an advertisement from David's Bridal, the wedding gown superstore. They apparently have a deal going on in which bride's dresses are up to $200 off as well as 40 percent off wedding invitations and 15 percent off shoes for the bride and her bridal party.

I don't know a lot about buying wedding dresses and other accessories, but it sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

You know what would make it a better deal? If they'd offered it four years ago when Yes Dear was in the market for a wedding dress.

But I'm not faulting the company for mailing out advertisements to potential customers. More and more, women are waiting later in life to get married, so it only makes sense to send out flyers touting their sales in the hopes of persuading some fine young woman to spend far too much on a dress she'll wear only once.

No, that doesn't bother me at all.

What bothers me is Yes Dear bought her wedding dress from David's Bridal, the same company now trying to sell her another dress. Apparently they took the under.

This, of course, led me to think (that's think, with a "th", not drink.)

Did the staff at David's Bridal have so little faith in me that they naturally assumed Yes Dear would not only be single in four years, but have already met someone else and be ready to marry him? Were they able to somehow figure out that she was too good for me, even though I've never set foot inside one of their stores?

Sure, I may not be the world's greatest husband, contrary to what the giant foam finger I got as a gift for my third anniversary says, but I'd like to think I'm a decent enough guy.

Then I thought that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't me. Perhaps the advertisement sent was part of a larger scheme by David's Bridal to remind Yes Dear of how her wedding day was the greatest day of her life (aside from 52 days ago when she had exact change for a Frosty from Wendy's) and the flyer was a subtle attempt to get her to divorce me so she could have another "greatest day of her life" with a second wedding.

Why else would they try to sell her another wedding gown? What would we do with another one? To be honest, I don't even know where Yes Dear's dress is now. Surely we don't need another one.

Then it hit me. (An idea, not a wedding dress.) David's Bridal doesn't want to promote wedded bliss because that's bad for business. Having happily married women with no intention of leaving their husbands for another extravagant wedding is a terrible business model.

Unfortunately, a quick check of their website does nothing to confirm my suspicions that David's Bridal is secretly trying to get women to divorce their husbands and be forced to buy another dress for their next wedding. On the plus side, I did learn about choosing bridesmaids dresses that will flatter their skin tones, so it wasn't a total waste of time.

Making matters worse is the company asks for three days notice for media interviews, and frankly, I'm not to sure they'd appreciate me accusing them of secretly hoping to increase the divorce rate in this country to pad their bottom line.

I guess there's always the chance I could be overreacting, like the time I punched a guy for asking my wife if she wanted a drink, thinking he was hitting on her. It was only later I found out he was the waiter.

Luke Martin is a reporter for the Statesboro Herald who does not encourage gambling on how long his marriage will last, unless you give him some of the winnings.

Thought for the day

2007-07-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

Laziness tip of the day: Instead of using a plate that you'll have to wash later, use a piece of junk mail to microwave pizza on.

The Nexus of the Universe (Version 2.0)

2007-07-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

So I was out with Yes Dear and some friends Saturday night to see a band play when I ran into an old friend from college. She was out with her husband and sister to see the same band and asked me if I was ever going to resume blogging.

She and her husband proceeded to tell me they’d really enjoyed my blog and wished I’d write more.(Granted, they’d been drinking, so it’s possible they were thinking someone actually funny and not me.) These are not the first people to tell me I need to start writing again. I’ve had other friends also ask me why I’d quit blogging and the truth of the matter is it became too much of a time commitment.

But the fact remains I really like writing, and if I can make someone else laugh, that’s even better. That’s why I’m resurrecting The Nexus of the Universe. While the requests from my fans is one reason I want to write more (and by fans, I mean people who know me who want another place to waste a good five minutes online when they should be doing something productive, but that’s really just semantics at this point.)

Another is something I saw on the Seinfeld extras I was watching this weekend (as you can probably guess, going out Saturday night was the highlight of my weekend if watching bonus material on Seinfeld DVDs is inspiring me.) In it, Jerry Seinfeld and co-creator Larry David credit Jerry’s devotion to writing everyday to making him a better comic.

Now I have no grand delusions of being as funny as Jerry Seinfeld . . . (Actually, I do, but the medication is doing its job of keeping those voices from talking to me - yes, a psychosis joke. You didn’t really think I was above that, did you?) But the fact remains that I do write for a living, and ultimately I’d love to either have a syndicated column or write a book (or, ideally, both,) so do to do that, I need to make a commitment to write everyday.

That doesn’t mean you should expect to see something on here daily. After all, I do write something for my paper most days. Hell, this motivation may be gone by the time I wake up tomorrow, but I am going to try to write something more often. Hopefully it’ll be funny.

So welcome back to The Nexus of the Universe. We hope you enjoy. See you soon.