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The following is a transcript of the press conference in the Sports Cave at the Statesboro Herald.

Luke: Thank you all for coming today. Over the past few weeks, I've hinted at a big announcement that will change the way you look at the universe. Before I make the announcement, I'd like to dispel a few rumors that have surfaced.

First of all, there is no truth to the rumor that my wife is pregnant. That would imply that we've slept together and just to be safe, we've decided to wait 10 years after marriage before having sex. We think that will make Jesus happy.

Secondly, there's been speculation that I've been traded to the Augusta Chronicle for a copy editor and an ad designer to be named later. While it's true Herald Editor Jim Healy has looked to improve the squad by trading away some of his more talented employees in a two-for-one deal, but since I'm not one of those talented people, I wasn't traded.

Finally, even though no one has mentioned this, I want to say that Catherine Zeta-Jones and I are NOT having an affair. My hope is some kind (or careless) writer will edit that to say that I am sleeping with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Even though it's not true, I'd love to see it in print.

Now that we've cleared those matters up, I'd like to tell you the news you've all come here today for. After my announcement, I'll gladly take a few questions.

After nearly five years sitting in the same desk and covering the same beat for the Statesboro Herald, I've decided to resign and return to Georgia Southern as a graduate student. I'll be studying Recreation Administration, though I'll be taking several classes in Public Administration as well. Hopefully one day, I'll be in a position to actually have people under me. And if you're waiting for me to say "and by 'people' I mean Catherine Zeta-Jones," well you know me too well.

Having said that, I'll gladly open the floor to questions.

Keith Olbermann: Luke, Keith Olbermann with MSNBC, since you're not working at the Herald, what will you be doing?

Luke: Great question Keith. I've secured a graduate assistantship at the Recreation Activity Center in the marketing department. Also, I'll be working part time as the volunteer coordinator for the local battered women's shelter. And yes, my wife works at the RAC, but I've been assured I won't have to see her often. I'm not sure either of us could take working with each other on an extended basis. Also, if you hear of a faculty member sleeping with a grad assistant, it's ok, we're married.

Bill O'Reilly: Luke, do you have a loofah?

Luke: Security, I told you, don't let that man in the building. Bill, get out of here.

Tom Verducci: Luke, Tom Verducci with Sports Illustrated. What led to this decision?

Luke: Well, Tom, as you know, I was an intramural legend during my undergraduate time at Georgia Southern. We would have won state if they'd put me in the game. So the chance to resume my intramural career was obviously a big factor. But there were others. Over the past few months, I've found myself having to work more nights and every other weekend. That isn't a lifestyle I want, especially for the salary being paid here. I'm not making the big bucks like you at Sports Illustrated (laughter from the crowd.)

Chad Bishop: Luke, Chad Bishop, I sit across from you. Who's going to do layout on Friday nights during football season?

Luke: Frankly, Chad, I don't give a damn. It's not going to be me, that's all I know. I'm living Scott Garner's dream of quitting just before football season.

Larry King: Let's take a call. Gavin in Montana, hello.

Luke: Uh, thanks for coming Larry. You may want to think about hanging it up, and I don't mean the phone.

Regis Philbin: Is this your final answer?

Luke: Regis, you haven't been on that show in years. But no, it's not. I'll take a few more questions.

Oprah: Luke, what will you miss most about working at the Herald?

Luke: There's a lot I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss the fact that I'm a minor psuedocelebrity. I'll miss the fact that all the "important" people in Bulloch County would return my phone calls. But mostly, I'll miss the people. I'll miss covering events like the Ducks for Diabetes fundraiser or the latest initiative by the local Red Cross. Believe it or not, I'll even miss covering the city council meetings. I've missed no more than eight in the last five years, so I won't know what to do when there's a meeting and I'm not there.

Ok, we've got time for one more. Yes, you, in the back.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I left a key to my hotel room for you at the front desk, can you meet me there in 15 minutes?

Luke: That's all we have time for today everyone. I've gotta go.