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The following is a transcript of the press conference in the Sports Cave at the Statesboro Herald.

Luke: Thank you all for coming today. Over the past few weeks, I've hinted at a big announcement that will change the way you look at the universe. Before I make the announcement, I'd like to dispel a few rumors that have surfaced.

First of all, there is no truth to the rumor that my wife is pregnant. That would imply that we've slept together and just to be safe, we've decided to wait 10 years after marriage before having sex. We think that will make Jesus happy.

Secondly, there's been speculation that I've been traded to the Augusta Chronicle for a copy editor and an ad designer to be named later. While it's true Herald Editor Jim Healy has looked to improve the squad by trading away some of his more talented employees in a two-for-one deal, but since I'm not one of those talented people, I wasn't traded.

Finally, even though no one has mentioned this, I want to say that Catherine Zeta-Jones and I are NOT having an affair. My hope is some kind (or careless) writer will edit that to say that I am sleeping with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Even though it's not true, I'd love to see it in print.

Now that we've cleared those matters up, I'd like to tell you the news you've all come here today for. After my announcement, I'll gladly take a few questions.

After nearly five years sitting in the same desk and covering the same beat for the Statesboro Herald, I've decided to resign and return to Georgia Southern as a graduate student. I'll be studying Recreation Administration, though I'll be taking several classes in Public Administration as well. Hopefully one day, I'll be in a position to actually have people under me. And if you're waiting for me to say "and by 'people' I mean Catherine Zeta-Jones," well you know me too well.

Having said that, I'll gladly open the floor to questions.

Keith Olbermann: Luke, Keith Olbermann with MSNBC, since you're not working at the Herald, what will you be doing?

Luke: Great question Keith. I've secured a graduate assistantship at the Recreation Activity Center in the marketing department. Also, I'll be working part time as the volunteer coordinator for the local battered women's shelter. And yes, my wife works at the RAC, but I've been assured I won't have to see her often. I'm not sure either of us could take working with each other on an extended basis. Also, if you hear of a faculty member sleeping with a grad assistant, it's ok, we're married.

Bill O'Reilly: Luke, do you have a loofah?

Luke: Security, I told you, don't let that man in the building. Bill, get out of here.

Tom Verducci: Luke, Tom Verducci with Sports Illustrated. What led to this decision?

Luke: Well, Tom, as you know, I was an intramural legend during my undergraduate time at Georgia Southern. We would have won state if they'd put me in the game. So the chance to resume my intramural career was obviously a big factor. But there were others. Over the past few months, I've found myself having to work more nights and every other weekend. That isn't a lifestyle I want, especially for the salary being paid here. I'm not making the big bucks like you at Sports Illustrated (laughter from the crowd.)

Chad Bishop: Luke, Chad Bishop, I sit across from you. Who's going to do layout on Friday nights during football season?

Luke: Frankly, Chad, I don't give a damn. It's not going to be me, that's all I know. I'm living Scott Garner's dream of quitting just before football season.

Larry King: Let's take a call. Gavin in Montana, hello.

Luke: Uh, thanks for coming Larry. You may want to think about hanging it up, and I don't mean the phone.

Regis Philbin: Is this your final answer?

Luke: Regis, you haven't been on that show in years. But no, it's not. I'll take a few more questions.

Oprah: Luke, what will you miss most about working at the Herald?

Luke: There's a lot I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss the fact that I'm a minor psuedocelebrity. I'll miss the fact that all the "important" people in Bulloch County would return my phone calls. But mostly, I'll miss the people. I'll miss covering events like the Ducks for Diabetes fundraiser or the latest initiative by the local Red Cross. Believe it or not, I'll even miss covering the city council meetings. I've missed no more than eight in the last five years, so I won't know what to do when there's a meeting and I'm not there.

Ok, we've got time for one more. Yes, you, in the back.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I left a key to my hotel room for you at the front desk, can you meet me there in 15 minutes?

Luke: That's all we have time for today everyone. I've gotta go.

Casey was at the bat, but who was on deck?

I'm not a big reader. Unlike other friends of mine who devour books left and right, I'm not one of those people. I didn't read The Da Vinci Code until almost a year after everyone was talking about it. I still haven't read any of the Harry Potter books (though that is something I'd like to eventually do.)

Making matters worse for me is when I do read a book, it's not typically anything any of my friends are reading. Probably the only book in the last two years I've read that anyone I know might have read is Bill Simmons' "Now I Can Die in Peace," a collection of columns he wrote about the highs (the 2004 World Series) and lows (the 2003 American League Championship Series in which they lost to the Yankess in Game Seven thanks to a home run by Aaron F&#ing Boone) of being a Boston Red Sox fan. (Longtime fans may remember that I got my copy of the book autographed.) And even at that, there's maybe one or two people who I know who might have read that.

As I've said before, for some reason magazines don't really count when people ask what you've read recently. This despite the fact that Tom Verducci is a brilliant storyteller. Verducci is a baseball writer for Sports Illustrated and has reached the "is he in here" status for me. That is, when a new issue of SI arrives, the first thing I do is look to see if there are any pictures of Maria Sharapova in a bikini and then look to see if Verducci has written anything.

His piece several years ago about spending a few days as one of the "players" with the Toronto Blue Jays is still some of the best writing I've ever read, present company excluded, of course. Even when he's a little off his game, as he was, I thought, when he chronicled his experience working as a major league umpire in a spring training game earlier this year, he still is brilliant. (For those wondering, he's got an article in this week's issue about Hank Aaron that makes me hang my head in shame for calling myself a writer.)

Even now, the book I'm currently reading, "The Last Nine Innings" is a look at the scientific and statistical revolution that began in baseball in the mid-1980s and has revolutionized the way people look at the game.

And that brings me to my point. Over the past two years, I've been reading (or, in some cases, rereading) books devoted to the game of baseball. From Michael Lewis' "Moneyball" (a book used in some business classes in colleges across the country) to Buzz Bissinger's "Three Nights in August" (Bissinger, by the way, also wrote "Friday Night Lights," the book that the movie and subsequent television show is based on) to Buster Olney's "Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty."

While I'm by no means a genius (as evidenced by the fact I had to look up how to spell that word), I'm fairly intelligent. I graduated with honors from both high school and college. I've scored well on standardized tests, and frankly, I do decent at Jeopardy when I watch. So what compels me to spend an inordinate amount of free time to a game that boils down to a guy hitting a ball with a stick and then running in a square?

For years, I was embarrassed to admit that I REALLY enjoyed the game of baseball. That kind of devotion to a sport is something for awkward teenage boys who needed something to channel all their energy into since they're no good with the ladies. Grown men don't spend their time analyzing statistics to get an advantage for their fantasy team (which, for those interested, is not going well this year) or participate in online chats on ESPN.com about the game.

But now I'm 28-years old. I haven't outgrown this phase. It is what it is. I'm a baseball fan in a land obsessed with football. I'm the Monkeys' fan in the Beatles' era, the 98 Degrees fan in the Backstreet Boys era. What's more, I don't care anymore. Sure it's unlikely that I'll find someone who wants to discuss if Mike Matheny is a catching genius (I didn't have to look it up that time) as a chapter 3-3 of "Baseball Between the Numbers: Why Everything You Know about the Game is Wrong" discusses.

Sure, I'll never be able to talk about the latest bestselling novel at a cocktail party, but will those people at the party know why bunting a runner from first to second actually reduces the odds of your team scoring in that inning? Actually, I hope those people do, because then we could ditch the party and go find a game on.

I'd write more, but Baseball Tonight is coming on ESPN soon.

(On an unrelated note, look for the "big" announcement on Thursday. In fact, I've already written the post, but I'm waiting for a few more things to be done before I post it.)

Willy Wonka and the suprise announcement

For the past few weeks, I've been hinting at a big announcement that will shake the way you look at the world. Why have I been doing this? Is it because I really didn't have anything else to write about and wanted to keep blogging? Yes. Is it because I enjoy creating suspense (or at least pseudo-suspense) among the few readers I have? Yes. Am I enjoying my Donald Rumsfeldesque tactic of answering my own questions? Not really. Will I continue to do it? Yes, for one more question. How do they cram all that graham? I'm not sure, but ask the owl who knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop, he seemed like a wise owl and could probably tell you.

But this week, like little Charlie when he found the golden ticket for the tour of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, one of you will unexpectedly find out what the big news is. You won't be expecting it, but you'll be going through the course of your day and, like spice to an Emeril Lagasse dish, BAM, there it is, the big news.

So stay tuned, you never know what might happen this week.

Getting Closer

The big announcement you all haven't been clamouring for is coming soon.

It's going to be bigger than Beckham coming to America.

It's going to be bigger than Bob Barker leaving the Price is Right.

It's going to be bigger than the Cubs winning the World Series this year (yes, you heard it hear first.)

Maybe one day I'll learn to undersell and overdeliver, but I'm not there yet.

Stay tuned for the big news.

And you thought you had a crappy day

I may have saved a life that day? What did you do to help out your fellow man?

I think I'd rather die.

I'm so proud to live in this town.

It's coming

What's coming?

An announcement so huge it'll change the way you look at the world. It's bigger than Joey Chestnut defeating Kobyashi in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating contest.

It's bigger than the Spice Girls reuniting for a world tour.

It'll be bigger than, well, something really big.

Stay tuned for details.

Why does David's Bridal hate marriages?

Note: This column was in the Statesboro Herald last month some time. I'm to lazy to find out the exact date.

This August will mark the end of the fourth year Yes Dear and I have been married, shocking all the bettors in Vegas who put the over/under on our relationship at 30 months. I hope you all took the over and collected big winnings, though to be honest, I'm not sure which side my father-in-law placed his bets on.

I bring this up for a couple of reasons. First of all, Yes Dear likes it when I acknowledge stuff like anniversaries, and she's even more proud of the fact I don't have to ask when our anniversary is.

Secondly, a few days ago I went out to get the mail and saw an advertisement from David's Bridal, the wedding gown superstore. They apparently have a deal going on in which bride's dresses are up to $200 off as well as 40 percent off wedding invitations and 15 percent off shoes for the bride and her bridal party.

I don't know a lot about buying wedding dresses and other accessories, but it sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

You know what would make it a better deal? If they'd offered it four years ago when Yes Dear was in the market for a wedding dress.

But I'm not faulting the company for mailing out advertisements to potential customers. More and more, women are waiting later in life to get married, so it only makes sense to send out flyers touting their sales in the hopes of persuading some fine young woman to spend far too much on a dress she'll wear only once.

No, that doesn't bother me at all.

What bothers me is Yes Dear bought her wedding dress from David's Bridal, the same company now trying to sell her another dress. Apparently they took the under.

This, of course, led me to think (that's think, with a "th", not drink.)

Did the staff at David's Bridal have so little faith in me that they naturally assumed Yes Dear would not only be single in four years, but have already met someone else and be ready to marry him? Were they able to somehow figure out that she was too good for me, even though I've never set foot inside one of their stores?

Sure, I may not be the world's greatest husband, contrary to what the giant foam finger I got as a gift for my third anniversary says, but I'd like to think I'm a decent enough guy.

Then I thought that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't me. Perhaps the advertisement sent was part of a larger scheme by David's Bridal to remind Yes Dear of how her wedding day was the greatest day of her life (aside from 52 days ago when she had exact change for a Frosty from Wendy's) and the flyer was a subtle attempt to get her to divorce me so she could have another "greatest day of her life" with a second wedding.

Why else would they try to sell her another wedding gown? What would we do with another one? To be honest, I don't even know where Yes Dear's dress is now. Surely we don't need another one.

Then it hit me. (An idea, not a wedding dress.) David's Bridal doesn't want to promote wedded bliss because that's bad for business. Having happily married women with no intention of leaving their husbands for another extravagant wedding is a terrible business model.

Unfortunately, a quick check of their website does nothing to confirm my suspicions that David's Bridal is secretly trying to get women to divorce their husbands and be forced to buy another dress for their next wedding. On the plus side, I did learn about choosing bridesmaids dresses that will flatter their skin tones, so it wasn't a total waste of time.

Making matters worse is the company asks for three days notice for media interviews, and frankly, I'm not to sure they'd appreciate me accusing them of secretly hoping to increase the divorce rate in this country to pad their bottom line.

I guess there's always the chance I could be overreacting, like the time I punched a guy for asking my wife if she wanted a drink, thinking he was hitting on her. It was only later I found out he was the waiter.

Luke Martin is a reporter for the Statesboro Herald who does not encourage gambling on how long his marriage will last, unless you give him some of the winnings.

Thought for the day

Laziness tip of the day: Instead of using a plate that you'll have to wash later, use a piece of junk mail to microwave pizza on.

The Nexus of the Universe (Version 2.0)

So I was out with Yes Dear and some friends Saturday night to see a band play when I ran into an old friend from college. She was out with her husband and sister to see the same band and asked me if I was ever going to resume blogging.

She and her husband proceeded to tell me they’d really enjoyed my blog and wished I’d write more.(Granted, they’d been drinking, so it’s possible they were thinking someone actually funny and not me.) These are not the first people to tell me I need to start writing again. I’ve had other friends also ask me why I’d quit blogging and the truth of the matter is it became too much of a time commitment.

But the fact remains I really like writing, and if I can make someone else laugh, that’s even better. That’s why I’m resurrecting The Nexus of the Universe. While the requests from my fans is one reason I want to write more (and by fans, I mean people who know me who want another place to waste a good five minutes online when they should be doing something productive, but that’s really just semantics at this point.)

Another is something I saw on the Seinfeld extras I was watching this weekend (as you can probably guess, going out Saturday night was the highlight of my weekend if watching bonus material on Seinfeld DVDs is inspiring me.) In it, Jerry Seinfeld and co-creator Larry David credit Jerry’s devotion to writing everyday to making him a better comic.

Now I have no grand delusions of being as funny as Jerry Seinfeld . . . (Actually, I do, but the medication is doing its job of keeping those voices from talking to me - yes, a psychosis joke. You didn’t really think I was above that, did you?) But the fact remains that I do write for a living, and ultimately I’d love to either have a syndicated column or write a book (or, ideally, both,) so do to do that, I need to make a commitment to write everyday.

That doesn’t mean you should expect to see something on here daily. After all, I do write something for my paper most days. Hell, this motivation may be gone by the time I wake up tomorrow, but I am going to try to write something more often. Hopefully it’ll be funny.

So welcome back to The Nexus of the Universe. We hope you enjoy. See you soon.