Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Why does David's Bridal hate marriages?

Note: This column was in the Statesboro Herald last month some time. I'm to lazy to find out the exact date.

This August will mark the end of the fourth year Yes Dear and I have been married, shocking all the bettors in Vegas who put the over/under on our relationship at 30 months. I hope you all took the over and collected big winnings, though to be honest, I'm not sure which side my father-in-law placed his bets on.

I bring this up for a couple of reasons. First of all, Yes Dear likes it when I acknowledge stuff like anniversaries, and she's even more proud of the fact I don't have to ask when our anniversary is.

Secondly, a few days ago I went out to get the mail and saw an advertisement from David's Bridal, the wedding gown superstore. They apparently have a deal going on in which bride's dresses are up to $200 off as well as 40 percent off wedding invitations and 15 percent off shoes for the bride and her bridal party.

I don't know a lot about buying wedding dresses and other accessories, but it sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

You know what would make it a better deal? If they'd offered it four years ago when Yes Dear was in the market for a wedding dress.

But I'm not faulting the company for mailing out advertisements to potential customers. More and more, women are waiting later in life to get married, so it only makes sense to send out flyers touting their sales in the hopes of persuading some fine young woman to spend far too much on a dress she'll wear only once.

No, that doesn't bother me at all.

What bothers me is Yes Dear bought her wedding dress from David's Bridal, the same company now trying to sell her another dress. Apparently they took the under.

This, of course, led me to think (that's think, with a "th", not drink.)

Did the staff at David's Bridal have so little faith in me that they naturally assumed Yes Dear would not only be single in four years, but have already met someone else and be ready to marry him? Were they able to somehow figure out that she was too good for me, even though I've never set foot inside one of their stores?

Sure, I may not be the world's greatest husband, contrary to what the giant foam finger I got as a gift for my third anniversary says, but I'd like to think I'm a decent enough guy.

Then I thought that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't me. Perhaps the advertisement sent was part of a larger scheme by David's Bridal to remind Yes Dear of how her wedding day was the greatest day of her life (aside from 52 days ago when she had exact change for a Frosty from Wendy's) and the flyer was a subtle attempt to get her to divorce me so she could have another "greatest day of her life" with a second wedding.

Why else would they try to sell her another wedding gown? What would we do with another one? To be honest, I don't even know where Yes Dear's dress is now. Surely we don't need another one.

Then it hit me. (An idea, not a wedding dress.) David's Bridal doesn't want to promote wedded bliss because that's bad for business. Having happily married women with no intention of leaving their husbands for another extravagant wedding is a terrible business model.

Unfortunately, a quick check of their website does nothing to confirm my suspicions that David's Bridal is secretly trying to get women to divorce their husbands and be forced to buy another dress for their next wedding. On the plus side, I did learn about choosing bridesmaids dresses that will flatter their skin tones, so it wasn't a total waste of time.

Making matters worse is the company asks for three days notice for media interviews, and frankly, I'm not to sure they'd appreciate me accusing them of secretly hoping to increase the divorce rate in this country to pad their bottom line.

I guess there's always the chance I could be overreacting, like the time I punched a guy for asking my wife if she wanted a drink, thinking he was hitting on her. It was only later I found out he was the waiter.

Luke Martin is a reporter for the Statesboro Herald who does not encourage gambling on how long his marriage will last, unless you give him some of the winnings.

3 comments:

Kelley said...

Too funny. Only you could have found the dark underbelly of David's Bridal.

Dan Underwood said...

You go after David's Bridal and I'm going to take down all those false-advertising yard salists. I mean, come on, it is damaging to the fabric of our society when a man reads a sign that brings images of good deals on junk, but turns out the sale is a day or two later. Evil is everywhere. Thanks for doing your part Luke.

Sheryl said...

I found your blog while trying (so far unsuccessfully) to get off David's Bridal mailing list! They know I got married in May '05 because I used their credit card for my dress and alterations, and they gave discounts to my 4 bridesmaids. When the card was paid off, I cancelled it because I have no further use for it. Now they're still sending me flyers and if you call their toll-free numbers, all you get is a recording asking for your zip code to direct you to a store. The website doesn't have a "contact us" link.

Do they think I would pay $600 for a dress on a marriage that wouldn't last more than 2 years? (I actually know people this applies to, but NOT ME!) Secondly, if I were that flighty and getting married again in 2-3 years, I would tone it down and get a formal dress from Macy's for under $200.

David's Bridal needs to realize that their customers should NOT be coming back to their store and will only be referring new customers.